The Subtle Ways We Create Distance in Relationships
Have you ever found yourself picking a fight for no real reason? Or suddenly feeling irritated by your partner over something that wouldn’t have bothered you before? Maybe everything was flowing beautifully, and then—out of nowhere—you felt the urge to withdraw, shut down, or lash out.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. We all do it, and often, we don’t even realize why.
In this post, we’re diving into a concept that many of us unknowingly fall into—using drama to create separation. We’ll explore why we do it, how to recognize it, and most importantly, how to break free from this unconscious pattern so that we can experience deeper, more fulfilling connections.
Why Do We Create Drama?
The irony of human relationships is that even when we crave closeness, we sometimes unconsciously push it away. This often happens because our nervous system is wired for familiarity, not happiness.
Many of the belief systems that shape our perception of love, connection, and worthiness were formed in early childhood. If, for example, you grew up in an environment where love felt conditional, distant, or unpredictable, your nervous system learned that closeness is unsafe.
Even as an adult, when you find yourself in a beautiful, harmonious relationship, an old part of you—one that equates love with tension or struggle—may begin to panic.
The result? You might:
✅ Start nitpicking or finding fault in your partner.
✅ Feel irritated or resentful without a clear reason.
✅ Withdraw emotionally or physically.
✅ Stir up drama or create an argument.
✅ Experience boredom, which subtly shifts into dissatisfaction.
At that moment, the discomfort feels completely justified. It’s only afterward—when the emotional storm has passed—that you might wonder why it felt so important at the time.
How We Are Hijacked by Old Beliefs
To understand this better, let’s talk about parts therapy.
According to Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, we all have sub-personalities—different parts of us that formed in response to past experiences. Some of these parts are frozen in time, still carrying wounds from our early years.
For example, if you developed a belief as a child that you are “not worthy of love,” a part of you may still be carrying that story—even if, logically, you know it’s not true.
So, what happens when you enter a relationship where you are deeply loved, valued, and supported?
That part of you that expects to be rejected, abandoned, or unimportant starts to panic. It doesn’t understand this new reality. It feels unsafe.
And so, it tries to pull you back to the familiar by creating drama to create separation.
This is how self-sabotage happens. It’s not that we don’t want love—it’s that we have an unconscious pattern that fears it.
My Personal Example: Almost Falling Into the Trap
Not long ago, I caught myself nearly falling into this exact trap.
When I first started dating my partner, he was upfront with me that he was still legally married to his ex—but that they had been separated for over ten years. At the time, I didn’t give it much thought.
Fast forward 11 months, and suddenly, this old part of me resurfaced.
I started thinking: What if he never got divorced because he still wishes they were together? What if, deep down, I’m just a second option?
The thoughts felt real. So real that I even considered bringing it up in a conversation. I ran it by a friend, who validated my concerns. I was ready to go into what I thought was a “calm, constructive discussion.”
Then, I arrived at my partner’s house.
The first thing I saw when I walked in was two feathers sitting on the table. He had picked them up for me while out walking his dog, knowing that I love collecting feathers.
And just like that, I realized I had been about to manufacture a problem that didn’t exist.
He had done nothing to make me feel second-best. In fact, he shows me love in countless small, thoughtful ways.
But because my old belief system was looking for evidence that I wasn’t enough, it had latched onto something—anything—to justify that fear.
Luckily, I caught it before I acted on it. But how often do we let these small doubts and insecurities run wild, creating unnecessary friction in our relationships?
How to Stop Creating Drama and Choose Connection Instead
If you’ve ever found yourself sabotaging your own happiness in a relationship (or any area of life), here’s how to break free:
1. Observe the Energy Shift
Before drama starts, there’s usually a shift in your emotional state. You may feel bored, irritated, restless, or withdrawn. These are signals that something deeper is happening.
2. Ask Yourself: What Am I Making This Mean About Me?
Every trigger is an opportunity for self-awareness. When something upsets you, pause and ask:
"What am I making this mean about me?"
For example:
💬 They didn’t reply to my message right away → I’m not important.
💬 They’re distracted today → They don’t love me.
💬 They forgot something I said → I’m not valued.
Most of the time, the reaction isn’t about the event itself—it’s about an old wound being activated.
3. Hold Yourself in Awareness
Instead of reacting impulsively, sit with the discomfort. Recognize that this is just an old part of you trying to protect you. Breathe. Give yourself compassion.
4. Check If It’s Showing Up in the Present Reality
Is your partner actually treating you as unimportant, or is this fear coming from the past? If there is no real evidence in the present, let it go.
5. Give Yourself What You Need
We often expect our partners to “fix” our insecurities. Instead, start by offering yourself the reassurance, validation, and love you crave.
Final Thoughts: Breaking the Cycle of Unconscious Sabotage
Using drama to create separation is an unconscious habit. But once we become aware of it, we gain back our power.
We no longer need to manufacture problems. We can choose peace. We can choose connection.
Most importantly, we can hold ourselves in love, knowing that we are already worthy, lovable, and enough—without having to prove it through struggle.
🎧 Want to Dive Deeper? Listen to the Podcast Episode Here!
For an even deeper exploration of this topic—including my personal story and practical strategies—listen to Episode 67 of the Living Through Heart podcast:
👉 Using Drama to Create Separation