Have you ever found yourself spinning a little romantic fairytale in your mind — complete with the perfect partner, the perfect reactions, and the perfect version of you?
I certainly did. Recently, I caught myself in one of those illusions. It began with my partner going away for work. I leaned into being the “cool girlfriend” — supportive, low maintenance, always happy when he called. But when he returned without telling me he was back in town until late in the day, something inside me broke.
Suddenly, my inner child — the wounded part of me — was screaming. She felt unimportant, unloved, and foolish for believing in the fairytale she had created. All those carefully crafted narratives of worthiness, lovability, and being the “perfect” woman collapsed into ash.
And in that collapse… was freedom.
Let’s Talk About the Fantasy of Being “Low Maintenance”
Many of us — especially those socialised as women — have internalised the belief that to be loved, we must not be a burden. We must not ask too much. We must be supportive, easy, fun.
In my past marriage, I learned to be “low maintenance” as a way to stay safe and loved. And without realising it, I brought that pattern into my new relationship — dressing it up in spirituality, maturity, and emotional self-reliance.
But underneath, there was still a need to prove I was better than “those other women.” Less needy. More desirable. Easier to love.
And that desire was hiding a wound — the belief that to ask for my needs to be met was dangerous. That I had to twist myself into the smallest possible version of me to be safe.
Healing in Relationship: The Mirror of Conscious Connection
The truth is, some healing only happens in relationship.
I’ve done a lot of solo work over the years — processing attachment patterns, childhood wounding, inner child grief. But in that moment, standing in my kitchen crying in my partner’s arms, I realised something profound:
No matter how much inner work we do alone, there’s a layer of healing that only occurs when someone meets us, loves us, and holds us — right in the middle of our mess.
That moment cracked open a deeper awareness for me. I saw how I had used "being low maintenance" as a way to avoid rejection. And I saw how I had attracted relationships in the past where I was, in fact, treated as unimportant — because that was the reality my childhood had taught me to expect.
From Unconscious to Conscious Relationship
Unconscious relationships often operate from wounded attachment — anxious and avoidant energies creating push-pull dynamics that feel like love, but are actually reenactments of trauma.
In contrast, a conscious relationship is rooted in:
- Emotional responsibility
- Clear communication
- Clarity around boundaries, needs, and non-negotiables
- Willingness to co-create structure and safety
- The courage to observe our own patterns and wounds as they arise
In a conscious relationship, we don’t expect our partner to “complete us” or rescue us from our pain. We hold ourselves accountable, we bring our triggers into awareness, and we move toward healing — together.
And yes, that requires courage. Vulnerability. Honest conversations. And a commitment to showing up fully as we are — not as who we think we need to be to be loved.
So What Now?
We all have inner fairy tales — stories we’ve told ourselves about what love should look like and who we need to be to deserve it.
But when those fairy tales burn to the ground, what’s left is not emptiness.
What’s left is truth. Power. Choice. And the opportunity to build something real — something conscious — from the ashes.
🎧 Want to hear the full story, including the trigger that unraveled my old programming and what it taught me about conscious love? Listen to Episode 70 of the Living Through Heart podcast here:
👉 From Fairy Tales to Conscious Relationship